ATG sizes it all up.
Apologies if we've been a little slow this week. As Texas alums, eyes are collectively focused on this weekend's impending showdown with a bunch of motherfuckers we can't wait to crush.
Some of the staff is heading to Dallas, all of us promise to be absolutely blitzed by the 11 a.m. kickoff. We'll be bumping this.
In the realm of amateur journalism, college papers often exchange essays for big games. It's fun, friendly, intelligent diatribe. A couple of years back, working for such a paper, I wrote one of these "you guys suck" pieces and sent it to Oklahoma's editor.
For whatever reason, my work never made it to press. More than likely scheduling and deadlines interfered, like to tell people it was because they fell back knowing they sucked.
Given the occasion, I've decided to unearth the lost column. Check it after the jump.
Point-counterpoint perspectives are useful.
Empirical data is way better.
Since the two began their annual scrum in 1900, Texas has bettered its northern rival 57 times, compared to Oklahoma's 39 piteous, contingent victories in the Red River Shootout. As a reactionary retort, Sooner supporters utilize the bigger picture as a circular non-sequitur: seven national titles to our four, staking claim as the most successful college football entity of the post-war era with a .761 winning percentage since 1945.
Am I coming off as too academic? Let me loosen up my burnt orange Windsor knot, dramatically depose my (pricey and European) glasses, and frankly offer the following morsel of insider information: OU sucks. Not within the competitive realm of collegiate pigskin, the winner has gone on to play for the national title four times already this century, just juxtaposed with Texas
Very few opposing forces personally, fundamentally dislike each other the way these do. Look to the other major rivalries worth dissecting, worth equating in stature, to fully appreciate the highly developed hate circling between camps. Michigan-Ohio State pits insecure northerners in blue against insecure northerners in scarlet; Alabama-Auburn's intensity is fueled by years of insular interstate infighting.
The Red River Rivalry is urban versus rural at its core. As Austin is a left-leaning college town geographically nestled in a philosophically contrasting region, this October afternoon has come to encompass the prevailing national struggle between progressive and traditional values. Elite versus populist, the smart kids against the cool. Texas-OU is farmers resisting technology, sprawl and lattes; Pleasantville's elders trying to ban rock 'n roll.
One side scorns African-American Republicans like former Sooner quarterback turned Congressman J.C. Watts for compromising the social agenda of his marginalized faction, the other scoffs at Ricky Williams and his public affinity for ganja smoke. Hell, the lone common denominator is that both schools infuse their rosters with talent from Texas.
You don't hear about this forged divide too much because of the slick, smooth swagger Longhorn supporters carry. There's seldom need for hooliganism, for brawls and riots stemming from simplistic pissing contests because imminent victory is a given.
That's why we hold this seasonal soiree with a gluttonous fair as its key backdrop. We dress this game in pageantry every year, traveling to Dallas with expectations of coronation; nationally televised affirmation of how much Longhorn football rules.
This is serious business. How many college football foes send their Reserve Officer Training Corps to scrimmage each other? How many showdowns have three separate trophies at stake? And more importantly, what other high stakes game offers an accompanying menu so awesomely American that even the Coke is fried?
If you're talking history, national implications, deep-rooted mutual contempt, social impact and highlight reels, then talk about this colossus Cotton Bowl classic. Just remember who runs the rivalry, who drinks harder (Princeton Review penciled us in as the nation's top party school as if you didn't know) and whose fans have the stones to plan celebratory socials and clear up their BCS season schedules a year in advance.
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