Metrics: The World Fucking Cup

1. American soccer bro

The true American sports fan - the working class male who likes sports talk and team colors, has been put off by the American soccer bro for decades. They are snarky jerks who played in high school and, more pertinently, worldly dissenters who traveled abroad and came home with scarves. They confuse their fellow Americans by calling it "football" in a land where 99% of people know football as an entirely different game and make arguments like "American athletes are ____" (juiceheads, spoiled, thugs). They go to Irish pubs and wear trendy glasses.

As such, it's impossible to realize soccer is the everyman's game. It's not that complicated. It doesn't require a liberal arts degree to take in and it's for the people. Just like our football.

The American soccer bro always puts the two in competition because of the name. Simple fact is, both sports are wonderful for entirely different reasons. And as much as I grew up around soccer through family, as a Texan I'll never cede its superiority to our football at any level but I shouldn't have to make that argument in the first place.


2. A pointless rivalry hampers unity

Why are Mexico and the United States such bitter rivals? Why do all the white people pick European countries to pull for? It's divisive. Yes, Mexicans are crazy en masse, but considering there's more Spanish speakers in the states than in any other country in the Americas save for Mexico, we should be natural comrades.

Mexican-Americans are going to pull for the team of their fathers, just like any other sports fan. To this day, if a Mexican-American pulls for the States against Mexico I think less of he/she. It shouldn't be the case. We should be inspired by each other's progress; we should be proud that Mexico's exhibition games sell out Giants Stadium. We're the only two real contenders in our regional qualifying, so there's not much threat, and we rarely face off under dire backdrops.

All the retired U.S. players harboring bitter memories of games in Mexico have fueled the rivalry with zany stories. Rivalries are generally key to advancing a sport; I can't help but to think of how many millions Texas has made in the past 15 years by colliding with Oklahoma on a quarterly basis across sports as both became superpowers.

Thing is, Americans should be supporting Mexico in the Cup and vice versa. We're North America. We're both reaching for respect. We're the same land mass. We share borders, food, lovers, and culture. Don't pick the Dutch or the English, pick the Mexicans as your second team. Thanks to the villainous portrayal of guys like Luis "El Matador" Hernandez and Cuatemoc Blanco, Americans are increasingly discouraged from engaging with Mexican fans. This matters because of how contagious and inviting a bunch of drunken nationals can be.

By the same token, pull for Honduras, the ultimate underdog and only other CONCACAF brethren in the tournament.



3. Structure of European leagues, soccer leagues in general

I love sports. I love the Cowboys, the Longhorns, the Knicks and Mexico's national team in soccer. I don't have a dog in the European leagues because there's no salary cap and they're perversely capitalistic, corrupt organizations prone to fixing and the same teams come up every spring: Arsenal, AC Milan, Barcelona, Fair Market FC, Real Madrid.

How do you pick a team? Few matter and there's no allegiance to the big clubs. In short, who cares? It's worth watching because these leagues have the best players, but there will never be a profound attachment.

Bigger problem is the conceptual disconnect between us and them and it boils down to one word: LEGS. In our sports, playoffs are clear: win or go home; win or shake it off and battle tomorrow in a series. This notion that you lose 2-0 and the goals carry over so that the team with a 2-0 advantage in game 2 can play conservative, wussy ball is not the American way. Aggregate scoring didn't work in fantasy leagues because it's just not compelling and it won't ever captive us Yankees.

The World Cup used to count aggregate goals as a metric for advancement until they realized it was stupid. With international competition, it's easy to fix games: in 1978, Argentina needed, like, 4 goals to make it out of the group phase. They were hosts, slipped some money to perpetual doormat Peru, and won 6-0. It's hilarious, really, but an alien premise to our events. You lose 150-70 or 99-98, it should still count as a 1-0 series lead and then you man up, shake it off, play again.


4. Old guard and Carlos Valderamma

Our sports media is full of legends and columnists and career masters who never had to pay attention to soccer. They talk baseball. They talk golf. They're incredible and vital components of our consumption. But they can't talk soccer in depth and so they don't. Hence, fans don't get proper armor with which to talk shop.

Besides, how long has soccer been on the verge of crossing over? Since at least the '70s and it's never happened. Part of the reason is because the big soccer players of the era - Pele, Maradonna, Batistuta, Hugo Sanchez, etc. - had absurd names and huge hair. You're telling me American kids are going to see perms, mustaches, mullets, ponytails and jheri curls and get captivated?

Finally, soccer is full of charismatic everymen. It boasts smug villains like Cristiano Ronaldo, and enough cool to compel the coolest country in the world with respects to trends and pop culture.

Get on board folks, soccer fever is inevitable. ESPN. HD. Video games. Globalization. Simply put, it's impossible to be a sports fan and not get hooked. It just is. Ignore American douchebag fans like me and just let go. It beats reading about training camp.